Animal Stories (1): Panda Bear Kwan

Veröffentlicht am Veröffentlicht in Animal Stories

Hi there! I am really proud to kick off this series of hand puppet /animal themed stories. „Isn’t this content a little bit ridiculous in the context of an accomplished market researcher’s blog?“ you ask, and your assessment is of course absolutely correct. The truth is that we are blackmailing Helge. One of us (you will meet him later) caught Helge in the act of feeding his daughter with non-organic salami, so the deal is, we won’t tell his wife in exchange for the blog’s admin password.

I’m pretty sure there are more interesting characters waiting to tell their story, but hey, someone has to start, right?

My name is Kwan. You ask, „Why does the Panda Bear, which is probably of Chinese origin, have a Korean name?“, and I answer: it is not as interesting as you might think, so let’s just skip it. I currently live in Frankfurt, or more precisely, in a nice little fake habitat in the Frankfurt Zoo. I was born in Guangzhou in 1998 and when my government realized they could easily generate 500k $ annually with rental Pandas, they started shipping us all over the world like crazy, because what lazy bureaucrat could say no to picking such low hanging fruit?

Personally, I think this rental business does not bode well for the human race, because can you think of a more boring animal than a Panda Bear? I don’t move around a lot, I eat or sleep most of the time. Even when you think I’ve just cast you a really intelligent or meaningful glance, what I actually do is wish that you go away and leave me alone forever. Additionally, by now renters should have figured out that our sex drive is pretty much nonexistent (I know some Pandas that enjoy flirting now and then, but  honestly even those don’t have a clue what would be the next step), so no super-cute Panda puppies for you, spoiled zoo visiting brats of the world. Deal with it! I don’t want to convey the idea that I’m not doing well here, I mean, an aunt of mine is in Cape Town right now and what with the drop in the South African Rand exchange rate, I heard the caretakers really have been skimping on the food lately. Couldn’t happen here, right?

So that’s pretty much it. I hope you didn’t expect to hear a thrilling story. I mean, come on, you’re listening to a caged animal, right? Grow up already!

Next will be the shark. I heard he’s called Sharkozy, which seems fitting for his devious features, if you ask me.

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